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Monthly Archives: December 2011
Someone told me I am too quiet and shy today, and that is why I don’t get invited to things. Well the truth is I am painfully shy, I have been through a lot in my 34 years of life that have caused me to be this way. I was teased as a child, was excluded from things as a child. I built walls around my heart and my soul so that noone could ever hurt me. I believe today I have not changed much, I am still very shy and often times people are unable to look past that, they see me as snobby. Let’s face it I am not Miss Popularity, I am not a Party Animal, I am not outgoing, but I do like to have fun. I try believe me I do. It often takes a while for me to build trust for someone and to open up to them, because I have been hurt so many times or taken advantage of by people.
I often feel that due to my shy and kind nature I am often excluded from things. I realize I am a grown up and have to put myself out there but it is still a little daunting. I have made attempts to improve my shyness, I have began taking exercise classes again, which took a whole lot for me to even get to the front door. I have made friends with someone who is my complete opposite. I guess because she is my opposite that is a good thing, we balance each other out. I guess I feel uneasy when I am not included in events, parties are thrown and I am not invited. I often get invited to things after the fact because the person feels bad.People are constantly canceling plans they make with me or don’t even show up when they are supposed to. It makes me sad but it also makes me take a step back, distance myself, build up the walls again, it’s a vicious cycle. So is this shyness going to be a part of me forever?? I sure hope not, I think I have gotten a lot better, 5 years ago I would have never made friends with anyone because I would have been way too shy but now I have made a great friend who has also introduced me to some other great ladies. I fear that it takes me a really long time to trust people and open up to people in general and I fear that most people don’t have time for that or think that it is pretty strange. Just trying pretty hard to change my ways and not be so shy.
So we are having serious Christmas memory making here. The snowflakes are hung in my son’s bedroom, he told me he wished it could snow in his bedroom so Mom made it happen while he was at school. When he got home and ran to his room, he said “Mom you are so awsome.” Love it.
Okay so at 34 years of age I have decided that it is time to get my butt in shape. I am all ready, I’ve got the pants, the tshirt, the sneakers, the music, the spinning bike and the gym membership. I got this, I can do this, I can do anything, I watched my infant daughter go through heart surgery I can do ANYTHING. Fast foward to my morning attempt at the spinning bike, let me preface this by saying that 1 year ago I was able to get through a 1 hour spinning class. Now, well that is a whole other miserable story, I am ridiculously out of shape, I was barely able to do 10 minutes. Uggggh I am so depressed. I mean I know that this is the first step right? I just have to do it. So now I have a whole gym schedule, exercise at home plan and a menu. So hopefully I can also use this blog not only to write about my wonderful family but to also hold myself accountable to my health plan, wish me luck.
So with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, the getting the perfect gift for everyone, it is easy to lose sight of who you are and how much you matter to other people. What about you, what can you do for yourself and for others while your at it, this Christmas season.
Be present in your life, sounds easy right? Actually not so much, between kids, and errands and chores and cleaning, and laundry, and the list goes on and on and on. By the end of the day when it is all said and done, who wants to think about buying gifts, wrapping presents, getting it all done in time. Okay so truth be told I love this, I love the hustle and bustle, the running out the last minute to get a few last things and stocking stuffers, or the ingredients for the bake from scratch cookies I just thought of on Christmas Eve at 7 pm. I love it all the Christmas rush, but my wish is always to have this Norman Rockwell like Christmas, you know the kind I am thinking of , the decorations, the pies right out of Martha Stewarts Magazine, the logs on the fire, the warm apple cider, the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air and the Carpenters Christmas album playing in the backround. The living room bustling with family, telling stories of Christmases past. But fast forward to reality, none of that ever happens no matter how hard I try. First of all my family that is present on Christmas consists of my mom, dad, husband and 2 kids, so our gatherings are not very big. Anyway back to the tinsel and the holiday guffaw. I realize that it is too much to expect to have a Holiday that is like those you see in the movies, so instead I throw in the towel and try to have a Christmas my kids will remember, I try to create traditions that they will remember when they are 30 and want to do with their kids. So this holiday season, I will try to go that extra mile to do things that are fun and festive well because I love it. Tis the season to be merry.
So I am going off topic, back to the being present in your own life, well that is the million dollar question right? How do you do that? I am here doesn’t that make me present? I am trying to be more present in my life this year,I am trying to acknowledge each moment, to appreciate all the things my son says that crack me up, to take in all the laughs and smiles my daughter gives, to smile and laugh at all my husband’s corny jokes. I guess I am trying to live in this moment instead of looking ahead to the next 100 moments. So I hope I leave you with sugar plums dancing in your head or just a thought or two of enjoying this very moment and how to be your own present at Christmas by being present.
Leah does this thing while she is eating, she just looks up at me with those big bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in her mouth. She has been doing this for quite sometime now and then this morning she proceded to do the same thing only this time she was laughing out loud, it was the cutest, and most funny thing, EVER.So when I woke up this morning, we were running late, I still hadn’t made Danny’s lunch, I needed coffee, I needed to put the clothes in the dryer,I had to feed the baby, it was all just going wrong this morning. For a moment I wanted to hop back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I didn’t, I pressed on. By the time I had heated the bottle and did the 20 other things I had to do, I was feeling pretty cranky. Then I sat down to feed her and she just laughed so hard, I started laughing with her. It again reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be here, to share these moments with her and to just smile. So what that things aren’t done, so what that lunch isn’t made, there is always time to get it done, and thank God I have that time with her and my son. So thank you Leah for reminding Mommy this morning that life is good, and to take the time to laugh and smile at everything.
We are soon approaching my baby girl’s 4 month birthday. I can’t even believe that 4 months have passed by. It also has been 1 month since her heart surgery. I remember sitting at her bedside, thinking that there is no way I will make it through this, the hours seemed like days, the hours like weeks, never did I think that we would be here so quickly. She is growing so much and that makes me so happy. She smiles and laughs out loud, she is holding things. She has some catching up to do but she will get there in her own time, when she is good and ready. Time; something I wished for so deeply, something I thought we would lose, something I thought we would never have enough of, has been wrapped up in a pretty pink bow and given to us in abundance, thanks to the brilliant doctors and nurses of Maria Ferari Hospital. This whole experience has humbled me, has changed me, has exposed me to the kindness and the wonder that people in this world have to offer. As a person who has been hurt a lot by people, mean people, I have put walls around myself. Through all of this I have taken that wall down brick by brick as I have encountered the kindness and the friendliness of such amazing people that have come into my life. I have found wonderful friendships I never knew I would have, or I never knew I could open myself up to. I had spent my life being negative about everything, about people, situations, you name it. Now I have had this awakening so to speak, I feel like because of what my tiny baby girl had to go through, I feel like I can accomplish anything.
When she gets older I want her to know she is my hero, she is the strongest, bravest, most wonderful little girl I know, and I hope someday to be as strong and brave as she is.
