“I’m having a horrible day.” We hear it all the time right? It’s raining and you forgot your umbrella, you missed your train, the alarm clock failed to wake you up after pushing snooze for the 10th time, you got a flat tire, someone was rude to you, you spilled your cup of coffee on your white blouse, someone cut you off on the highway, you just feel plain old grouchy. We’ve all been there, we’ve all said it, but are you really having a bad day or is it not as bad as you think it is? It’s all perspective I guess, what you think is an awful day might seem like a piece of cake compared to what I am dealing with on a particular day. I can honestly say that I know what a Bad Day is, it is giving birth and them telling you your baby has down syndrome and several holes in her heart which can only be fixed with surgery. A Bad Day is when your baby is too weak to eat from her failing heart. A bad day is handing your baby over to men in scrubs, knowing they are about to cut into her chest, stop her heart from beating, allowing a machine to live for her, yes indeed that would be a terrible day. A horrible day is walking into a room where a baby lies before you, it is her name above her crib but you recognize nothing about her except the deep brown hair on her head, she is so swollen and orange from the iodine they spread all over her little body. A horrible day is when my baby girl stopped breathing right before my eyes, and the doctors had to stick a tube down her throat to breath for her. I am pretty sure that under the title of bad, horrible, terrible days these kind of days would be first on the list.
So when something goes wrong in your life that is really just an inconvienece that is really all it is. It’s really not terrible, maybe it is to you at the time but always know how lucky you are to have those little blips in life, because when you really truly think about it, that’s all they really are. I am guilty of complaining about the little nuisances in life, like 1:00 doctor’s appointments that turn into 2:30, or the people behind the counter that completely ignore me like I am not even standing there, or people who cut me off on the highway, or not getting enought sleep. But since my precious angel came into my life, I have realized she has had more to go through and is so entitled to complain and whine each and every day about what she has had to endure, but she doesn’t she just smiles so bright she lights up a room, and it is that smile that reminds me of what a really bad day is and I thank her for making all of my days seem so much more brighter.
My baby girl is 4 months old and has been through so much. She is my hero and I am thankful to be her mommy each and every day.So my little girl is thriving, she is getting so big and is eating so much more. She tries to roll over, she doesn’t quite make it all the way over but she is getting there. She tried cereal for the first time today and I think she really liked it of course more ended up on the bib than in her mouth but that’s okay. She had to get shots, I hate to see her in pain like that but I would rather her cry now than to get a terrible disease. As I saw how big she got today at the pediatrician I thought back to when we were in the hospital and never thought we would get here. Everyone kept telling us that we were going to look back on that experience and wonder how in the world we got through it. I am reminded of all the wonderful doctors and nurses that we encountered each and every day.
Someone told me I am too quiet and shy today, and that is why I don’t get invited to things. Well the truth is I am painfully shy, I have been through a lot in my 34 years of life that have caused me to be this way. I was teased as a child, was excluded from things as a child. I built walls around my heart and my soul so that noone could ever hurt me. I believe today I have not changed much, I am still very shy and often times people are unable to look past that, they see me as snobby. Let’s face it I am not Miss Popularity, I am not a Party Animal, I am not outgoing, but I do like to have fun. I try believe me I do. It often takes a while for me to build trust for someone and to open up to them, because I have been hurt so many times or taken advantage of by people.
I often feel that due to my shy and kind nature I am often excluded from things. I realize I am a grown up and have to put myself out there but it is still a little daunting. I have made attempts to improve my shyness, I have began taking exercise classes again, which took a whole lot for me to even get to the front door. I have made friends with someone who is my complete opposite. I guess because she is my opposite that is a good thing, we balance each other out. I guess I feel uneasy when I am not included in events, parties are thrown and I am not invited. I often get invited to things after the fact because the person feels bad.People are constantly canceling plans they make with me or don’t even show up when they are supposed to. It makes me sad but it also makes me take a step back, distance myself, build up the walls again, it’s a vicious cycle. So is this shyness going to be a part of me forever?? I sure hope not, I think I have gotten a lot better, 5 years ago I would have never made friends with anyone because I would have been way too shy but now I have made a great friend who has also introduced me to some other great ladies. I fear that it takes me a really long time to trust people and open up to people in general and I fear that most people don’t have time for that or think that it is pretty strange. Just trying pretty hard to change my ways and not be so shy.
So we are having serious Christmas memory making here. The snowflakes are hung in my son’s bedroom, he told me he wished it could snow in his bedroom so Mom made it happen while he was at school. When he got home and ran to his room, he said “Mom you are so awsome.” Love it.
Okay so at 34 years of age I have decided that it is time to get my butt in shape. I am all ready, I’ve got the pants, the tshirt, the sneakers, the music, the spinning bike and the gym membership. I got this, I can do this, I can do anything, I watched my infant daughter go through heart surgery I can do ANYTHING. Fast foward to my morning attempt at the spinning bike, let me preface this by saying that 1 year ago I was able to get through a 1 hour spinning class. Now, well that is a whole other miserable story, I am ridiculously out of shape, I was barely able to do 10 minutes. Uggggh I am so depressed. I mean I know that this is the first step right? I just have to do it. So now I have a whole gym schedule, exercise at home plan and a menu. So hopefully I can also use this blog not only to write about my wonderful family but to also hold myself accountable to my health plan, wish me luck.
So with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, the getting the perfect gift for everyone, it is easy to lose sight of who you are and how much you matter to other people. What about you, what can you do for yourself and for others while your at it, this Christmas season.
Be present in your life, sounds easy right? Actually not so much, between kids, and errands and chores and cleaning, and laundry, and the list goes on and on and on. By the end of the day when it is all said and done, who wants to think about buying gifts, wrapping presents, getting it all done in time. Okay so truth be told I love this, I love the hustle and bustle, the running out the last minute to get a few last things and stocking stuffers, or the ingredients for the bake from scratch cookies I just thought of on Christmas Eve at 7 pm. I love it all the Christmas rush, but my wish is always to have this Norman Rockwell like Christmas, you know the kind I am thinking of , the decorations, the pies right out of Martha Stewarts Magazine, the logs on the fire, the warm apple cider, the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air and the Carpenters Christmas album playing in the backround. The living room bustling with family, telling stories of Christmases past. But fast forward to reality, none of that ever happens no matter how hard I try. First of all my family that is present on Christmas consists of my mom, dad, husband and 2 kids, so our gatherings are not very big. Anyway back to the tinsel and the holiday guffaw. I realize that it is too much to expect to have a Holiday that is like those you see in the movies, so instead I throw in the towel and try to have a Christmas my kids will remember, I try to create traditions that they will remember when they are 30 and want to do with their kids. So this holiday season, I will try to go that extra mile to do things that are fun and festive well because I love it. Tis the season to be merry.
So I am going off topic, back to the being present in your own life, well that is the million dollar question right? How do you do that? I am here doesn’t that make me present? I am trying to be more present in my life this year,I am trying to acknowledge each moment, to appreciate all the things my son says that crack me up, to take in all the laughs and smiles my daughter gives, to smile and laugh at all my husband’s corny jokes. I guess I am trying to live in this moment instead of looking ahead to the next 100 moments. So I hope I leave you with sugar plums dancing in your head or just a thought or two of enjoying this very moment and how to be your own present at Christmas by being present.
Leah does this thing while she is eating, she just looks up at me with those big bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in her mouth. She has been doing this for quite sometime now and then this morning she proceded to do the same thing only this time she was laughing out loud, it was the cutest, and most funny thing, EVER.So when I woke up this morning, we were running late, I still hadn’t made Danny’s lunch, I needed coffee, I needed to put the clothes in the dryer,I had to feed the baby, it was all just going wrong this morning. For a moment I wanted to hop back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I didn’t, I pressed on. By the time I had heated the bottle and did the 20 other things I had to do, I was feeling pretty cranky. Then I sat down to feed her and she just laughed so hard, I started laughing with her. It again reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be here, to share these moments with her and to just smile. So what that things aren’t done, so what that lunch isn’t made, there is always time to get it done, and thank God I have that time with her and my son. So thank you Leah for reminding Mommy this morning that life is good, and to take the time to laugh and smile at everything.
We are soon approaching my baby girl’s 4 month birthday. I can’t even believe that 4 months have passed by. It also has been 1 month since her heart surgery. I remember sitting at her bedside, thinking that there is no way I will make it through this, the hours seemed like days, the hours like weeks, never did I think that we would be here so quickly. She is growing so much and that makes me so happy. She smiles and laughs out loud, she is holding things. She has some catching up to do but she will get there in her own time, when she is good and ready. Time; something I wished for so deeply, something I thought we would lose, something I thought we would never have enough of, has been wrapped up in a pretty pink bow and given to us in abundance, thanks to the brilliant doctors and nurses of Maria Ferari Hospital. This whole experience has humbled me, has changed me, has exposed me to the kindness and the wonder that people in this world have to offer. As a person who has been hurt a lot by people, mean people, I have put walls around myself. Through all of this I have taken that wall down brick by brick as I have encountered the kindness and the friendliness of such amazing people that have come into my life. I have found wonderful friendships I never knew I would have, or I never knew I could open myself up to. I had spent my life being negative about everything, about people, situations, you name it. Now I have had this awakening so to speak, I feel like because of what my tiny baby girl had to go through, I feel like I can accomplish anything.
When she gets older I want her to know she is my hero, she is the strongest, bravest, most wonderful little girl I know, and I hope someday to be as strong and brave as she is.
“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams,” Oprah Winfrey Adventure? Live the life of your dreams? I am not even sure how to do that, am I living the life of my dreams? I can honestly say that I thought I had a dream about how my life was supposed to turn out, where I was supposed to be, what I would be doing, and none of that happened, well maybe some of it happened but the rest, I am really not sure what happened. I was supposed to continue teaching, utilizing the Master’s Degree, I had worked so hard for. I was supposed to own my own home, I was supposed to have 3 children all close in age, I was supposed to do a lot of things and haven’t done them and I am not sure I ever will, most of it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. Things could be worse though right?
Since having my daughter and having her go through such trauma in her short life, it has helped me to realize that I need to try make my dreams come true, because life is so short and fragile. But on the other hand it seems to be so trivial to have dreams, to have things that I want for myself, it feels selfish, it feels inappropriate. I feel like everything I do should be for my children, my husband, my family and friends, certainly not for myself.
My mom never does anything for herself, never has for as long as I can remember. So I have grown up with this whole “your not worth it” mentality. As my mother, I too feel like anything I do for myself is not worth any time or money it would cost. I don’t know why I feel this way, I just do. I believe that most moms feel this way, I mean your child needing a new pair of shoes is a hell of a lot more important than you needing a haircut and dye job, right? Maybe you are all nodding your heads in unison in agreement with me or you are all saying I am crazy. The difference is that I have always felt this way even before I had kids, someone else was always more important. Before having kids, I taught 5th grade, I had a 70 minute commute, I went to grad school at night, sometimes taking 3 classes a semester, I would leave the house at 6 am and return home at 10pm oh and during the last year of my Grad Program did I mention I was 8 months pregnant with my son. Even then I didn’t do things for myself, I accomplished all of that and still didn’t think I was worth it.
Now the thought of going back to teaching does not excite me at all, I would much rather be here for my kids, because believe it or not I love being a stay at home mom, other people seem to find it necessary to assume otherwise. Those of you that are stay at home moms know how it is, the constant questions, in my case it was “oh you were such a good teacher, when are you going back”, or “do you think you’ll ever go back?” or “don’t you miss it?” I usually answer with a “Yes of course I will go back”, or “yes of course I miss it,” but when I think about it, I am not sure I mean that, I am not sure if I ever want to go back. I guess I just get tired of explaining myself and my decision to stay home and to take care of my kids, I don’t question people who drop their kids off at daycare at 6:00 am and don’t see them again until 7:00 pm, if that works for you and you are happy than to each their own. I am not going to judge you so please do not judge me. Thanks.
So back to making my dreams happen, what do I do with this attitude and my attempts to change it, ya know I am still not quite sure. I see all these people making “vision boards” where you are supposed to cut out pictures and words to describe and help you to visualize what it is you want to have happen in your life. Maybe I will try that, crafty and serves a purpose, sounds like my kind of project.
Not really sure where I was going with this blog, maybe I am realizing that I am a person too, not just a mom and that it is important that I do things for myself once in a blue moon, even if I am not “working”.
