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Browsing Tag: about me
50 FACTS ABOUT ME
1. I am an only child
2. I grew up in the Bronx
3. Before being a SAHM I was a 5th grade teacher
4. I have a Master’s Degree in Education
5. I am shy
6. I am a homebody
7. I don’t have many friends
8. I love anything DISNEY
9. I collect Disney mugs
10. I am a Capricorn
11. I love artichokes
12. I hate snow
13. I did not know my daughter was going to be born with Down Syndrome
14. I like to make schedules (most of which I never follow)
15. I have always wanted a surprise party
16. I love planning birthdays for my kids
17. I can’t dance
18. I can’t sing
19. I can’t play an instrument
20. I have always wanted to try a Yoga class
21. I love the beach
22. I hope to someday soon be comfortable in my own skin
23. I often feel let down by people
24. It is very hard for me to make new friends.
25. I wish I could play the guitar
26. I want to take photography classes
27. I want to take art classes
28. I bore easily
29. I love to do arts and crafts
30. I love to cook
31. I am a great friend
32. I want to go to Italy one day
32. I want to go on a Disney Cruise
33. I have been disappointed in my life more times than I can count
34. I want to take a cross country trip
35. I have always wanted to live in Manhattan
36. I wish I could draw
37. I wish I had siblings
38. I hate that people are very judgmental of me
39. I am a lefty
40. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled certain situations in my life.
41. I was made fun of as a child
42. I often feel invisible
43. I worry
44. It bothers me when people just don’t get it
45. I hate explaining myself and my choices to people
46. I am never going back to teaching (those of you who are curious)
47. I love reality TV
48. My kids are my life
49. Our daughter’s medical debt has kept us from doing a lot in our lives, but she is worth it.
50. I always feel like I don’t know when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me
As my daughter continues to thrive and do things I never expected her to do, as she continues to amaze me each and every day it makes me think about my own self and expectations for myself. If she can get through all that she has and then some, surely I can accomplish my own goals that I have set for myself. I have already accomplished a lot in my life but now I seem to come up with too many reasons of why I can’t do this or shouldn’t do that. There is always money which is a legitimate reason of why I cannot accomplish things. I would love to start my own party business, where I would make all the decorations, invites, paper products, etc, but one needs money to start such a business, so my head fills with all of these wonderful ideas of what I would create, what I would sell, how successful I would be but then the negative thoughts flood my mind (the you would have to make a lot of things to take pictures of and the things require supplies, which requires money and so on and so forth,) it is a neverending snowball effect. I want to learn photography, to play the guitar. to do all sorts of things but my thoughts get in my way, paralyzing me from moving forward. To me all of these things are wants, not needs and are therefore frivolous.
I have fears, fears that linger in my heart and my soul, fear of things going wrong, fear of the rug being pulled out from under me as it has so many times before, the fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that these fears subside in me, but after being hurt and having horrible things happen, I fear that it will always be that way, the fear has made a permanent dwelling in my being, it lingers there and feeds off my feelings of dismay. I often wonder what it feels like to be carefree, to not have a worry in the world. I guess my first step is to stop being fearful, but how to do that is the question.
We played the Mega Millions tonight, maybe we will hit the jackpot, wouldn’t that be nice. Over 300 million dollars, I don’t even know what I would do with it all, I probably would give 25% or more of it to St. Jude and Maria Ferreri Hospital, pay off our medical debt. I would donate a large chunk to the Down Syndrome Association. I would pay off my parents’ house for them, help other family, I would help those who have been there for us and helped us, I would buy a house, travel a lot and my kids would be set for life. I would love to go to a homeless shelter and just hand out thousands of dollars, I would love to help everyone. I would take all kinds of lessons, music, art, photography, anything and everything. I would be home with my kids and stop feeling so guilty that I am not earning a paycheck. On a more selfish level I would hire my own personal trainer and chef to help me lose this weight once and for all. It would be nice to know that we will be able to spend lots of time together as a family and not have to worry. Dream a little dream.
What would you do with $300,000,000?
My husband’s mom made him something they called Friday night Mish Mash when he was a kid or something like that, anyway it was a meal with a little of this and a little of that in it. That is what this post is, a mish mash of all sorts of things .Sorry about the lack of posts lately, I have been so tired. Little Miss has decided that sleeping through the night is no longer an option, so we have been up at around 3:30am every morning. I guess it could be worse, she could be getting up several times a night.
My weight loss is at a stand still, I gave up the gym because I was only getting there once a week if I was lucky the past couple of weeks, so now it is all about the DVD’s at home. I ordered a new workout system called Turbo Fire, it looks really hard, but I think I can do it if I stick to it and at least I can then do it anytime I want during the day if Little Miss is cooperative or at night when hubby gets home.
I have moved my craft room from the basement to Little Miss’ room, she is still sleeping in our room so I decided to use the space in her room, for now. I was never able to get down there to work on Scrapbooking and my new project baptism decorations, so now I can work in a nice space with more light and heat, always a bonus. I will have to post a picture this weekend of my fabulous crafty space.
Hmm what else do I have to share, I realized today that I need all new makeup, I probably have been using the same stuff since I was pregnant with Little Miss, I think I am going to go back to using Bare Escentuals it makes my skin look great. So I will be saving my pennies to get myself some. I think I will do a post about all of my favorite things, so look for that in the coming days. So TGIF, hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!!!!! Please spread the word about my blog for me, get others to follow, thanks.
When you are in the midst of having a baby you are submerged in it, surrounded by it, you eat breathe and sleep all things baby. You dream about the little girl inside you and you think about all of the things you are going to do with her, all the pretty clothes you will dress her in. When you awake from that dream into what you believe is your life’s biggest nightmare at the time, “Your daughter has Down Syndrome and will need open heart surgery.” This was certainly not the dream, not the hopes, not the wishes that were had and made upon shooting stars in the night sky. This was happening to someone else, certainly not me, how could it, I am young, I did everything I was supposed to do, I did everything right. How did this happen to my little girl, how did this happen to me? Then someone sent me something, a beautiful poem. I read it and at the time didn’t really think much of it, just thought it was some other way that people were trying to make me feel better, people who didn’t understand.
The Special Mother
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of disabled children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of disabled children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
“Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.”
“Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.”
“Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew.”
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a disabled child.”
The angel is curious. “Why this one God? She’s so happy.”
“Exactly,” smiles God, “Could I give a disabled child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”
“But has she patience?” asks the angel.
“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it.”
“I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”
“But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.” God smiles, “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect – she has just enough selfishness.” The angel gasps – “selfishness? is that a virtue?”
God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ‘spoken word'”. She will never consider a “step” ordinary. When her child says ‘Momma’ for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!”
“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice….and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side”.
“And what about her Patron saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”
I read this again today and I cried harder than I have cried in months, I understand it now, I understand my purpose in this world, to be the best mom that I can be to both of my wonderful kids.
“Dolce far niente” – the sweetness of doing nothing. Eat Pray Love
I like to repeat this to myself, it sounds so much sweeter, so much more intense in Italian than it does in English. Say it to yourself, go ahead, you know you want to. Now wait for it, don’t you just feel relaxed, don’t you feel like you should go eat an italian pastry, sip a cappucino while overlooking Il Po. Sometimes I like to indulge in this idea of nothingness, this tale of oblivion. I long for this sweetness, I can smell it’s sugary enticement, I can feel it’s syrupy goodness embracing me, I can hear it’s melodius call, “Dolce far niente.” Can you hear it?
This kind of idelness does not exist in a field of flowers, in a deep blue sea, or in a forest full of redwoods, it exists within you, and me. It is taking pleasure in a moment, the present moment, wherever it may be.
What does doing nothing mean? Do you just lay on the couch, sit in a chair, listen to music, relax??? Although the thought of doing absoulutely nothing for just moments at a time sounds so inviting, I wouldn’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to do nothing, I don’t know how to relax. I am always doing something, thinking about something, I cannot just empty my brain and just rest. So I would love to get in touch with this part of myself, learn to clear my mind, learn to enjoy my own prescence, learn to just be and have that be enough. I am learning that to do nothing can mean just being with myself in my own prescence, drinking a cup of coffee, tuning out the world for just a few minutes, just a moment each day to listen to what your heart is telling you.
How do you relax, how do you like to experience “Dolce far niente?”
So weight loss Wednesday was rudely interrupted by Valentine’s Day, I couldn’t back down from the Godiva truffles, I just couldn’t do it. Although I did not gain any weight this week, I didn’t lose either sadly I stayed the same. Still haven’t found the umph to exercise, I have been running back and forth to doctors and specialists with my daughter and having to be home for her Early Intervention twice a week, and working with her to get her muscles stronger. I am just so tired all the time, by the time 9 pm rolls around I am ready for bed.
I know that if I did exercise a lot more I would have more energy and maybe I would not be so tired at night, I know people say I have to make time for myself, but how do I do that when there is so much that has to be done? Maybe next week I will have better weight loss news.
Someone asked me the other day why do I blog, don’t I find it tedious, why would I want to let people know that my child has Down Syndrome, aren’t I embarrassed? When I had my daughter the first thing I did was go to the computer to try and learn as much as I could about Down Syndrome, I wanted to know everything. To my surprise I found out that 90% of Down Syndrome babies are aborted, 90% that was astounding to me. Then I looked to find people who were raising kids with Down Syndrome and I saw how happy they were, how lovely their kids were. I knew how much happieness and joy my daughter gave me and continues to give me each and everyday and I thought if people could see that maybe they would think twice about aborting such a special, wonderful child. So when people ask me such questions, I usually don’t answer them but this one I felt the need to answer, I am not nor will I ever be embarressed by my child, she is pure love and joy and I hope by reading my blog you can see that.
I also blog for other reasons, I love to write, it is my me time, when I can just sit down and write whatever I want for a few minutes of the day. I use it as somewhat of an outlet, I enjoy helping people, giving advice, sharing information, talents, recipes, etc. So I hope that you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.
A young girl took her life because of bullying. This is happening way too much today and something needs to be done. Reading about such a horrible tragedy got me thinking about my own childhood and how badly I was teased. I was a chubby kid, cute chubby nothing crazy since I was about 5 years old and I remember being so excited to start Kindergarten. I was one of the tallest girls in my class and never thought about my body image or anything like that then it happened. I walked into the brightly colored classroom where my teacher stood smiling from ear to ear, I was going to love this place, I knew it. Then like a deflated balloon the happieness was sucked right out of my little 5 year old heart when the little girl sitting next to me said I was going to need a bigger chair because I was too big to sit in the little chair with my name sticker on it, now mind you I was not that much bigger than her, maybe 5 pounds heavier and my world just came crashing in on me by one idiotic comment by a 5 year old. I remember be afraid to sit in the chair, afraid I would break it and when the teacher asked me what was wrong why wasn’t I sitting down, I told her the chair wasn’t big enough for me, she said oh don’t be silly it is just the right size for a little girl like you and I sat down. Even though the chair ended up being too big for me, the instant questioning and loathing my body started on that very day in September 1983.
From that day on I was constantly being picked at and teased about my weight from other kids and even my own adult family members. There was something wrong with me, I was probably about 10-15 lbs overweight as a kid and I always felt HUGE. Teachers pointed it out to me in gym class, a gym teacher told me he would have to hold my ankles because I would never be able to do a sit up by myself, I actually could do them quite fine thank you very much. It was little digs like this here and there that would eat away at my confidence until by the time I was 18 there was nothing left.
By this time I had tried every diet known to man, from Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, starving myself so bad that I passed out on vacation with my family one year.
I hated my body and I look back at pictures of myself from that time and I realize how great I looked if I just could have seen it then, if I just could have loved myself. I would try to ride my bike in the neighborhood and there were a brother and sister who would sit on the stoop of their house and wait for me to pass by, I was only allowed to go around the block and I would circle the block about 10 times and every time I passed by “Hey Fatty, hey chubby, hey fat ass.” they would shout at me. I still rode my bike all summer but it got so bad that once I got to the corner of their street I would turn around and go back the other way so I wouldn’t have to endure the taunting anymore.
So if other people hated my body of course I was going to hate it, so after all the abuse of yo-yo dieting I have done to my body it has rebelled against me, it is so hard for me to lose weight now. It took me a long time to gain any kind of confidence in myself, I am still lacking confidence at 35 years old, I will go to the gym and feel like I am going to get laughed at, stared at, made fun of. I was teased for probably 12 years of my life, I won’t even get into it all, it would take 20 blog posts to get through it all. I don’t think kids understand what a horrible impact they can have on someone’s life. I must say that as bad as it got never ever did I think of taking my own life. I never want my children to have to go through any of this no one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. Please, please talk to your kids, stop the cycle now, stop bullying.
1977
Yearly Inflation Rate 6.5%
Year End Close Dow Jones Industrial Average 831
Interest Rates Year End Federal Reserve 7.75%
Average Cost of new house $49,300.00
Average Income per year $15,000.00
Average Monthly Rent $240.00
Cost of a gallon of Gas 65 cents
Bikini$9.00
BMW 320i $7990.00
I was born on this day in 1977,born 6 weeks early, I wasn’t supposed to thrive, I wasn’t supposed to make it, I wasn’t supposed to live but I guess God had greater plans for me than anyone knew at that time. Now that I think about it I wonder if it is all really true, are we put here on this earth, born so that we may in turn repay this world with some gift or purpose. What is my purpose, was it to be a teacher for a short while, was it to be a mother to my son, was it to be a mother to my daughter., a wife to my husband. They all need me but in different ways. I always wonder about what is the meaning of my life, why am I on this earth and as I get older I ponder the question more and more. I was an only child, after almost losing me, they didn’t want to try for another one, I guess.
I was painfully quiet and shy and my childhood was pretty lonely most of the time. As I have grown I have realized that I am who I am and I am probably never going to change but in certain aspects of my life I would like to. So this being my 35th birthday, I am going to look forward to this new year and whatever life is going to throw at me, I am stronger, and braver than I have ever been in my life and I finally believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to.
